Philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell tells the story of a believer in the afterlife who encounters a woman dealing with the recent loss of her daughter. He asks the woman what she thinks has become of her daughter’s soul. The mother replies: “Oh, well, I suppose she is enjoying eternal bliss. But I wish you wouldn’t talk about such unpleasant subjects.”
This ironic exchange would border on funny, were it not for the fact that it so perfectly illustrates the very odd relationship we the living have with the dead. Whether one believes in an eternal soul or not, the “sweeping under the rug” of the subject of death is a nearly universal reaction in most of the western world. And it is not just unhealthy for those who remain. By avoiding the topic of death, and by refusing to accept dying as a natural part of living, we do those who die a huge disservice.
The quest for immortality, or at least longevity, has always been a driving force behind human progress. From Ponce De Leon to the R&D labs at universities and “big Pharma,” we as a species have always looked for a way to survive beyond our prescribed time on Earth. The sad part is, as we extend lifespans through medical and educational breakthroughs, in the West we are actually losing ground in the quest for immortality. As it turns out, we once did a much better job of keeping the essence of a person around long after death had claimed their physical being.
If your last name ends in “son,” let it be a reminder to you that somewhere back in time, a surname was created for your ancestor entirely so that their legacy might not be forgotten. Ancient literature tells of soldiers questing to become heroes so that their names might live on in poem and song. Even today, people with means donate parks and buildings with the understanding that their name will be ascribed to the place long after they have died. Though it is common and understandable to work so hard in life to be long remembered, let us not forget that once we have died, our remembrance is no longer up to us. The task falls to the living. And in a day and age where we “hush up” at the mention of a dead person, the task — this obligation we have historically felt towards the dead — has gone unfulfilled.
In this day of social networking, where we take time out of our schedules to check in and see what our friends are doing, what they find interesting, and even where they are having lunch, we are giving our time to the building of communities around our interpersonal bonds. The act of social networking can be frivolous or deeply-felt, but the act of giving our time, checking in several times a day, says to our network of friends that we are engaged. It says we care. It says that we want to give our friends a presence in our daily lives and, in turn, make a place for ourselves in theirs.
Let’s begin to change the way we think about our relationship with the dead. Often, our bonds with people we’ve lost is far stronger than 95% of the people on our “friends” or “followers” lists, yet where are we directing all of our thoughts, time and emotional investment? When we make those who have died a continuing presence in our daily lives, we satisfy the wishes of two parties. For the dead, we honor them by permitting them to continue to teach us, inspire us and inform our lives. For us, we mitigate our loss by not allowing the meaning of a person’s life to expire along with their earthly remains. We will never overcome death. And we will never escape from loss. But what we can do is rescue the act of remembrance from the realm of “unpleasant subjects.”